Archive for the ‘TV’ Category

The Girls of Food Network
December 7, 2007

I was originally going to write this entry solely about how annoying Rachel Ray is, but then I realized that there are other ladies on food network that annoy me (and others that are kind of hot), so instead i’m going to describe them and then give my “Would I do her?” rating. And here they are… In No real particular order…

1. Rachael Ray – “HI THIS IS RACHEL RAY AND I MAKE 30 MINUTE MEALS!!” This bitch is on every cooking magazine, on every Dunkin Donuts commercial, and on tv 24 hours a day. She sort of has a personality like that annoying 9 year old girl that lives next door to you and always tries to come talk to you when you are mowing the lawn. She uses AWESOME catch phrases like EVOO (Extra Virgin Olive Oil) and she calls her pot the “hot tub”. She is the kind of person that would confuse the shit out of me if I was trying to help her cook something, and I really don’t like to be confused.

WOULD I DO HER? Probably. She has a great ass, but i’d have to either gag her or wear ear plugs.

2. Paula Deen – POWLAA DEAAAN is like the grandmother I never had. She has this southern charm but unfortunately is not the sharpest tool in the shed. It’s ok though cause she LOVES butter and who wouldn’t love butter on everything? She also has these douche bag/Norman Bates impersonating sons that come on the show and stand around and hold food for her. In this one episode, they came out with a plate of butter for her or something. I don’t like her, ya’ll.

WOULD I DO HER? Maybe if I went back in time about 25 years, drank a half a liter of vodka, and was hit in the head with a bat first.

3. Giada DeLaurentiis – Giada is a cute little italiano/greek girl with a smile that covers about 79 percent of her face and a last name that has two i’s in a row. She makes great italian dishes for her friends to mooch off of on her back patio and never fails to say italian words with a thick accent to show off her heritage. Giada is, however, a little sweetie pie that i’d like to have my way with after I eat her Lasagna Parimigiaaaanaaaaa Italiaaaaaaano.

WOULD I DO HER? God damn right I would. I’d just have to make sure I don’t say anything funny so she doesn’t smile.

4. Barefoot Contessa – Ok first off, what kind of name is Barefoot Contessa? To me, it looks like “barefoot contest” and that is no contest I want any part in. I tried watching this show once and this lady just mumbles random things and says boring stuff about food every once in a while. She always makes like 20 things at once and invites her obsese friends over to her house. In one episode her friend came over and Miss Contessa wasn’t even there so the friend just started helping herself to the food. If my friend came over and started doing that, i’d probably punch him in the face and and make him watch barefoot contessa 3 or more times repeatedly.

WOULD I DO HER? No.

Gilmore Girls
November 21, 2007

 My Review of Gilmore Girls.  By Jay, Age 23.

Gilmore girls is a very interesting show!!! It revolves around this child prodigy named Rory who has a larger than normal forehead .  Rory has a really HOT mom who I will call Mrs. Gilmore.  Well these two so-called Gilmore Girls live in this small town in New England and they pretty much shoot the shit all day long.  The mom works in a hotel thing and she makes cakes and stuff.. and then theres Rory (what kind of stupid ass fucking name is that) who goes to school and stuff and romances boys.  Rory has this korean friend who looks like her name should be “Keiko”.  Keiko always rides a fucking bike everywhere.  It’s like her mom doesn’t give a shit about her cause shes always riding around town with a big ass grin on her face late at night.  Keiko also wears these trademark glasses in every episode.  What a tool.

FIGURE 1: MMMMMMMMMM SEXXXXY!

So anyway, Rory is always talking about this guy named dean.  I never actually saw dean before but I bet he looks like a metrosexual.  I imagine dean has long hair that gets into his eyes and he constantly has to throw his head back or wipe his hair from his face.    But yeah Rory doesn’t really shut up about this Dean guy.  She should just get it over with and suck him off when Mrs Gilmore goes to the restaurant.  Which reminds me..

There’s this restaurant.  In the restaurant there is this homeless looking guy working there that wears a flannel shirt and he has a backwards baseball cap.  His name is something short and cool like “Ron”.  Everytime Ron appears in the show he is wearing the flannel shirt and the backwards baseball cap so i’m assuming he really doesn’t have a lot of money. He also doesn’t shave.   So apparently Mrs Gilmore is turned on by that, cause she’s always coming into that restaurant while this “LALA” song is playing in the background.   It is here that they usually talk about coffee, orange juice, flannel shirts, windows,  or sunlight at a real fast rate of speed.

So back to the hotel restuarant thing.  There is this fat lady that looks like she should be named Sally.. Sally randomly jumps out of kitchen cabinets or something and is usually wearing pig tails.  She is like the chef I guess cause she is always wearing white and carries food which she probably samples a lot with her fingers.  She usually has this big smile on her face and she sort of says a couple sentences and leaves usually in a hurry.   I don’t really know why she is there actually.

Did I leave anyone out?  What a great show!

That taco bell commercial
November 9, 2007

This commercial is annoying as shit. and Lets start the list..

Reasons I hate it:

1. The guy looks like a douche. Just look at that stupid haircut. What a douche.

2. The way he says “always ALWAYS get chili on your nachos bell grande.” WTF is up with that second ALWAYS? Who talks like that? If anybody talked to me that loud when I was sitting right next to him or her, I think i’d get violent. with a rake or other garden tool. It just isn’t called for. Especially when you are dealing with nachos bell grande.

3. In the shorter version, he says “CHYEAH.” That is the ultimate douche bag word, and again it is grounds for violence.

4. The way he pauses, looks at the camera, and smiles after the girl gives him the dog annoys me. You trying to be funny? You look like a grinning cunt.

5. I HATE SMALL DOGS

The only thing this commercial has going for it is the hot chick at the end. I love how she’s all bossy and dominant. Oh baby.