Archive for the ‘movies’ Category

A Christmas Story
October 26, 2007

Every fucking Christmas, without fail, this little bitch named “Ralphie” comes into my house via my television set. Is it my intention? NO. The little fuckface is on every channel because it’s “A Christmas Story” marathon!!! What stupid son of a bitch came up with that great idea?

If you haven’t seen this movie, you are lucky. I do, however, think the movie is worth explaining for the pure fuck of it. Anyway, from what I can remember, its about this little boy named Ralphie. Ralphie wants a BB gun for Christmas and because of this, he has to deal with people taunting him with such memorable quotes as “you’ll shoot your eye out, kid”. That’s the whole god damn movie. It’s basically just a whole bunch of crying and whining with Christmas music playing in the background.

Now, If I ever came within 5 feet of Ralphie, not only would I shoot his eye out; I’d set him on fire, and let a pack of wolves rip his face off. His little brother (who clearly has Downs syndrome) could also use a quick uppercut to the jaw. It’s movies like this this cause me to hesitate when turning on the TV from December 1st through New Years.

Here are the best parts of the movie:

#1: Some dumbass kid sticks his tongue to a frozen pole. Deserved it. Too bad it couldn’t be amputated.

#2: Ralphie shoots himself in the face with a bb gun. Had it coming to him. The stupid shit has hearing problems I guess because he was warned about 147 times through out the movie.

“A Christmas Story” is not worth writing anymore about…