Archive for the ‘homeless people’ Category

Homeless People
October 22, 2007

It seems every time I’m trying to enjoy myself, they find me. I’m going to the movies-Theres a homeless guy on the curb, I’m at the drug store-one of them is waiting for me at the door, I’m walking home alone at night-one of them jumps out of a garbage can. Matter of fact, homeless people make me so mad that I created a category on my blog especially for them.

Ohh I know what you’re thinking. You saw that episode of Saved by the Bell with the homeless guy at a shopping mall at Christmas time, and he seemed pretty nice didn’t he? Well guess what? He was after Zach Morris’ change. You think i’m pulling your leg or some shit? They can’t show everything in a half hour, and homeless people know that.

Now at this point, I realize I have your full attention. Here’s a little lesson in dealing with homeless people if you encounter one. I could not be any more serious than I am right now. I also like making lists.

#1: Avoid eye contact. The homeless know you are interested in giving them your hard earned change as soon as you lay eyes on them. Don’t fall into the trap. If you do, you won’t be able to use a pay phone or buy a pack of gum or something later. Yeah and guess who will be making that call… or buying that pack of gum.. No, not the homeless guy cause he will be using your change to purchase crack, ok? They don’t chew gum. They don’t even have teeth, for Christ’s sake.

#2: Keep your coins from bouncing around. Do you really think they can’t hear that shit from a mile away? They can easily distinguish the sound of loose change, and when they hear it, they see rainbows, angels, and fairies. Don’t mess this one up. Your money is on the line here.

#3: Throw out all food that you do not eat. The homeless are sort of like bears at a camp site. They will smell your value meal and will probably try to take it using whatever method is necessary. Do not attempt to feed them! They will come back.. and in larger numbers. Theres no way in hell you will have enough money to buy them all value meals.

If you follow these rules.. and avoid homeless people, you can fill up one of those big ass 5 gallon water tanks in your basement full of coins. Then you can take it all to Coinstar and get a cool amazon.com gift certificate. It’s worth it because a new Wii game is way better than feeding a few homeless people.