hottest campus police report ever?

I usually don’t sway from my negative writings about life, but this is an exception.  This was sent to everyone at my campus:

This morning at approximately 8:50am, a student reported she was inappropriately touched by another female in the north stairwell located in the Hugh Carey Building. The unidentified female appeared to be 18 to 21 years-old with wavy blonde hair; wearing a dark-colored waist-length coat, and black-rimmed glasses. This incident remains under investigation and the Monroe County Sherriff’s Office is advised.

is that not the hottest police report ever??

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22 Responses

  1. No way. I bet the campus police are just trying to get a rise out of people.

  2. That sounds like the begining of a Penthouse Forum story.

  3. Thank goodness I was wearing my blonde wig; they’ll never catch me!!!

    Muahahaha….

  4. It’s only the hottest story ever if the chicks were hot. If it was some sweathog trying to touch a hot chick, then it’s just not as good.

  5. It sounds iffy- one of them would have to be returning from a Jello Wrestling 101 class.

  6. romi – lol, I know you’d be the person to commit such an act.

    cheetah – if that report isn’t the hottest thing ever, then you agreeing that it has potential to be the hottest thing ever is the new “hottest thing ever”.

    desktop – i need to sign my ass up for that class next semester.

  7. I filed that report. Romi and I were up at your school trying to stalk you. She got jealous and touched me inappropriately. I’m sorry I tattled Romi! But your blonde wig was very sexy, can you wear it again next time?

  8. this is laughable, they MUST realise this fact.

    there is no way any student will take this seriously other than perhaps lonely lesbians.

    Dear young woman touched in said stairway,

    while i understand trama is trama and personal space is such the comodity these days (do check out the for women only subway cars in Japan wont you? on second thought, maybe not.) the possiblities of your misconceptions of your stairwell encounter are endless and unfathomably childish. It serves for me to assume that you perhaps where raised in a fundamentalist enviorment or so down trodden that you cant stick up for yourself and tell a hoe when to get her fucking hands off you. Basically, get thee to a frat party, drink until you puke and make sure to suck off some stranger before passing out in a hallway. I promise stairwell incidents will be but a mere triffle after a proper college blackout/date rape.

    Yours truely,

    An avid oral supportor (wink wink) of her collegate lacrosse team. and soccer team. and golf team. (oh who are we kidding, i loved me some college, at least the parts i can remember)

  9. green – i knew you had something to do with this. god you are so hot!

    each – i like your style. you have written the longest comment on my wall so far and you deserve only the most respect for such a post.

  10. I can’t believe you tattled Greenie! I mean don’t chicks really mean “yes” when they say “no”???? Oh man, I am soooo inapppropriate and wrong right now, but fuck it, this is a safe-haven for my mis-deeds 😉

  11. Man. Shit like this never happens to me when I was in school. Like those lucky 13 year-old boys who get hit on by their hot 23 year-old teachers… where were those bitches when I was in middle school? I could have used some “education” back then. I wouldn’t have told.

  12. Ha!! That is so great. Where did you find this police report – Hustler Mag?? Hi-larious.

  13. I totally meant yes!!! The whole police report was my way of saying I love you! Why don’t you understaaaaaand?
    Heheheheh. I’m so awesome.

  14. i think i’m gonna call the police right now and make a similar report. you know, spice up their average day-to-day. of course, when they come to take the report, i’ll answer the door in a hot sexy little negligee or something. Huster, take it away!!….

  15. Hey dude… where you been at?

  16. helloooooo????? hope all is ok with you…

  17. hahaha hell yes. Whoever wrote this report is my hero 😛

    Loco

  18. Where are you? We be missing your humour….

    **hugs…

  19. WTF!?!??!!

    You said you were coming back soon!!!!!!!!!

    Lies, wretched lies…you are such a whorish tease….

    (I’m sorry if that sounds harsh, but love hurts, and I haven’t been less pessimistic in as long as I can remember (and that is VERY unhealthy…)

    😦

  20. dude got any video??

  21. It’s not hot. It’s comical!

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