The Girls of Food Network

I was originally going to write this entry solely about how annoying Rachel Ray is, but then I realized that there are other ladies on food network that annoy me (and others that are kind of hot), so instead i’m going to describe them and then give my “Would I do her?” rating. And here they are… In No real particular order…

1. Rachael Ray – “HI THIS IS RACHEL RAY AND I MAKE 30 MINUTE MEALS!!” This bitch is on every cooking magazine, on every Dunkin Donuts commercial, and on tv 24 hours a day. She sort of has a personality like that annoying 9 year old girl that lives next door to you and always tries to come talk to you when you are mowing the lawn. She uses AWESOME catch phrases like EVOO (Extra Virgin Olive Oil) and she calls her pot the “hot tub”. She is the kind of person that would confuse the shit out of me if I was trying to help her cook something, and I really don’t like to be confused.

WOULD I DO HER? Probably. She has a great ass, but i’d have to either gag her or wear ear plugs.

2. Paula Deen – POWLAA DEAAAN is like the grandmother I never had. She has this southern charm but unfortunately is not the sharpest tool in the shed. It’s ok though cause she LOVES butter and who wouldn’t love butter on everything? She also has these douche bag/Norman Bates impersonating sons that come on the show and stand around and hold food for her. In this one episode, they came out with a plate of butter for her or something. I don’t like her, ya’ll.

WOULD I DO HER? Maybe if I went back in time about 25 years, drank a half a liter of vodka, and was hit in the head with a bat first.

3. Giada DeLaurentiis – Giada is a cute little italiano/greek girl with a smile that covers about 79 percent of her face and a last name that has two i’s in a row. She makes great italian dishes for her friends to mooch off of on her back patio and never fails to say italian words with a thick accent to show off her heritage. Giada is, however, a little sweetie pie that i’d like to have my way with after I eat her Lasagna Parimigiaaaanaaaaa Italiaaaaaaano.

WOULD I DO HER? God damn right I would. I’d just have to make sure I don’t say anything funny so she doesn’t smile.

4. Barefoot Contessa – Ok first off, what kind of name is Barefoot Contessa? To me, it looks like “barefoot contest” and that is no contest I want any part in. I tried watching this show once and this lady just mumbles random things and says boring stuff about food every once in a while. She always makes like 20 things at once and invites her obsese friends over to her house. In one episode her friend came over and Miss Contessa wasn’t even there so the friend just started helping herself to the food. If my friend came over and started doing that, i’d probably punch him in the face and and make him watch barefoot contessa 3 or more times repeatedly.

WOULD I DO HER? No.

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30 Responses

  1. LMAO that is hilarious and SPOT ON, brotha!

    “She sort of has a personality like that annoying 9 year old girl that lives next door to you and always tries to come talk to you when you are mowing the lawn.”

    I always think the same thing when I see Barefoot Contessa listed on my TV preview guide:

    “Ok first off, what kind of name is Barefoot Contessa? To me, it looks like “barefoot contest””

    You made my flippin’ day with this part….
    “She always makes like 20 things at once and invites her obsese friends over to her house. In one episode her friend came over and Miss Contessa wasn’t even there so the friend just started helping herself to the food. If my friend came over and started doing that, i’d probably punch him in the face and and make him watch barefoot contessa 3 or more times repeatedly.”

    Thumbs up….haaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAA!

  2. Oh dear lord I snorted out loud at “I’d just have to make sure I don’t say anything funny so she doesn’t smile.”
    I friggin DESPISE RR. I’m so over her. Paula could do no wrong in my book, but her sons damn straight are annoying. I think you don’t like Ina (Barefoot Contest heh) cuz there’s really truly is nothing annoying about her – not like the rest at least.
    What about whatsherface – Sandra Dee or something? the one that makes Semi-homemade dishes?

  3. cheetah – I love how excited you get over my posts. it is hilarious in itself. lol. but yeah barefoot contessa makes me want to go to sleep. If she came over my house, i think i’d sleep, wake up and eat her food and make small talk, and then probably go back to sleep.

    mrsstu – Well I wouldnt say theres nothing annoying about contessa. She is annoying in her own boring way I guess. OH YEAH. I totally forgot about sandra lee. Is she doable? Yeah. DO i want to watch her? nahh. She always makes desserts though so I guess she’d be good to have around right?

  4. Dude, her name isn’t Barefoot Contessa. It’s Ina Garten. Who doesn’t know that? Get with it. Just kidding. I bet most people have that little tidbit slip by them. But it says her name on every show, you just have to pay attention.

    I used to be all about Rachael Ray, but you’re right, she’s very annoying and corny. I’d still hit it though.

    Giada, she’s fucking hot. I like her food too.

    Paula Dean, I like her personality.I can deal with her.

  5. I don’t watch the Food Network specifically because the hosts of the shows are such fucking losers.
    They get so excited over boiling water and spices that it makes me angry.
    And they always have those conveniently little cut up ingredients in those cut little glass bowls so they can just throw it in. That’s how they get away with doing it in 30 min. Then they just throw the glass bowl under the counter, no doubt so that their underlings can pick it up later after they storm off the set, exhausted from their perky ‘cooking’.
    Shit, if I had all my ingredients cut up and ready, I’d be a happy cook too. But I don’t. And what the hell is with some of their ingredients?? These are things I’m supposed to have sitting in my cupboard? Fuck that. I have peanut butter and spaghetti. What can you with THAT, Rachel?
    I’ll one up you Jay, I hate the Food Network in general.

  6. dude, my BF is always commenting on her boobs, so I guess (know) he’d do her too.

    but she’s fat now so… meh

    (by fat i mean preggo, like 5 months but she’s so damn likeable and cute and makes good food that i want to hate her though not as much as those other bitches just in a “i want to be like you” kinda way so i say she’s fat. those other bitches can get the hell off my tv though, especially RR i hate her with a passion, can’t even fucking drive to work without seeing her chipmunk face on a billboard whoring it up for DD)

  7. sexualtrex – you have unfortunately won the award for most devoted food network fan. are you male or female? I keep forgetting. lol

    talea – Dude I totally agree! especially with the part about them not caring how big of a mess they make. Everytime rachael ray takes something out of the cupboard she always has to comment on it. It pisses me off. The only good food network person is emeril. Is he even still on? that guy was pure awesome. I can tolerate giada though. There is just something about her that relaxes me.

  8. each- whose boobs? giada?

  9. yes giada.

    *shudder* (thinks about nasty contessa boobs hanging to obese waste)

  10. HAHAHAHA “Barefoot Contessa”? Hahahahaha, oh my gosh, I’m dying of laughter. What a name!

  11. I must agree with you on Rachel, Giada, and The Barefoot Woman–But Paula?

    How could anyone not love Paula?

  12. Anytime I think of barefoot contessa, all I picture is this nasty old broad stepping on all her food with her bare feet before she makes it, and that makes me wanna hurl…

    and DUDE, I LOVE how the barefoot contessa thing came full circle, like how you would punish your friends for eating your fucking food by making them watch 3 episodes of Barefoot Contessa….brilliant 🙂

  13. wendy – I know WTF. refer to romi’s comment.

    housewife – paula is ok EXCEPT for the fact that her sons are the biggest douchebags in the world and she always mentions butter as if its her catchphrase. Admit it.

    romi – I KNOW! Who wants to associate bare feet with food? not me. Now that I think about it, there should be a direct corellation between the amount of food stolen and the number of episodes to be watched as punishment.

  14. dude! f-ing hilarious!! This is so funny, it’s not often that I laugh out loud at what I read on these blogs. You did forget Sandra Lee, though. I’d be curious to see what you’d write about that biznatch. I’m not a man, nor a lesbian, so I couldn’t talk about who I’d do or not, but I do have my own opinions of the Food Network losers – check it out if you care!! http://neverfull.wordpress.com/2007/08/23/rachel-ray-maybe-hate-is-a-strong-word/

    Thanks for a monday morning laugh! – amy @ neverfull.wordpress.com

  15. Jay when I stumbled upon your Candian Geese blog, I was instantly hooked. THIS is the kind of humor I enjoy. I can’t always write what I really feel when I am feeling really mean, which is often, ‘cuz I blog mostly at work and they’re probably monitoring 5hit. I copied and pasted the Candian Geese one and the Homeless People one, along with a link to your blog, to some friends and they all LOL’d. I have a couple good friends full of hate too and they rock. LOL.

  16. Yes, you’re back. About time.

    And Rachel Ray… would I do her? No. Would I punch her in her crazy face? Yes. Many, many times.

  17. Dude, I’d stick it to all of them while eating delicious treats I made them make me…

  18. Dude, I would totally nail Giada. But first I would totally cram her face full of my delicious amaretto chocolate cookies. That’s right, bitch.

  19. that is kind of hot green… can we get a threeway possibly?

  20. I actually saw RR’s show last week for the first time. She is a man.

    what is with the fake applause track on her show??

    “Just add olive oil” ooooooh awwwwwwww

  21. I’m totally down with a threeway, as long as nobody confuses me with Emeril, which used to happen because apparently Emerald is SUCH a fucked up name. So as long as nobody’s yelling BAM!!!! really lamely, that’s all cool.

  22. yessss. my holiday dream come true!

  23. Barefoot Contessa is the name of the cooking show, not the person. The lady who hosts and stars in it goes by the name of Ina Garten. From Wikipedia: The “Barefoot Contessa” name comes from Ina Garten’s best-selling cookbook, The Barefoot Contessa Cookbook, which in turn was named after the specialty foods store she bought in 1978. The store, which is no longer in operation, opened in 1975 and was named after the 1954 film of the same name.. Next time, do some research 🙂

  24. oh thats cool. go fuck yourself.

  25. Love this post. The Rachel Ray “EVOO” thing made me laugh really hard, and I was beat up last night, so my side hurts. Anyhow, I also loved this line about Rachel Ray: WOULD I DO HER? Probably. She has a great ass, but i’d have to either gag her or wear ear plugs.

    Hi-larious as usual. Glad your back from your break.

  26. Go fuck myself? Why, that proves how intelligent and eloquent you are doesn’t it? No, it’s called “I have a partner.” Thank you very much.

  27. Oh i’m sorry. I fell on the keyboard and “go fuck yourself” was the result!

  28. I love Rachael and Giada DeLaurentiis! They rock for when I want to throw a party. Woot.

  29. this is hilarious. I love it.

  30. You forgot Cat Cora from Iron Chef America. She’s hot, and I’m a straight chick. But she’s not. She has a partner.
    So there’s your 3-way right there…

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