Christmas Gayness

I love the holiday season. I love that everyone decorates their homes with lights, gets lots and lots of presents, and builds snowmen with their families as their father adorns himself with a plaid robe and cigar in his mouth… but there is something deep down that pisses me off. Here are the elements of Christmas Gayness that exist each and every year…


1. Trains around Christmas Trees – Here’s a riddle for you. What kind of train goes around in 4 foot circle? Well the answer kids is a Christmas train. For some reason, people like to construct these things and turn them on. How precious. But they get boring pretty soon, they train track always gets broken from people stepping all over it, and it leaves less room for you to put presents. It’s cute and all, but seriously… no.

2. Dumb Ass Christmas Carols – The coolest christmas carol ever is Carol of the Bells. It sounds so bad ass.. but there are other ones I despise. Jingle Bells for example. I know there must be more to this song but people don’t seem to know it. Instead, they like to sing that one god damn verse over and over and over and over and over. Listen, if little Jimmy keeps singing that song i’m going to have to use him as the yule tide log this year. Don’t push your luck. UPDATE: 12 days of christmas is also annoying. Partridge in a pear tree? OK. what kind of mistletoe where you smoking there buddy.

3. Those salvation army people – STOP RINGING YOUR FUCKING BELL. That shit just gets annoying. If you are trying to associate bell ringing with giving out money, it hasn’t worked on me yet. Also, why are you wearing an apron if you aren’t cooking anything.

4. Doing nice things cause its Christmas – Well this is good and bad. Yes it’s good to do nice things… but after Christmas is over, does it mean you can go back to being pure evil? No. That is BS. Either be nice all the time or be mean all the time. Shit. Which one did I choose?

5. Kissing under mistletoe – Nahhh nothing wrong with this one. Unless there is a 14 year old girl with you.. then you have gotten yourself into one heck of a dilemma.


21 Responses

  1. “Also, why are you wearing an apron if you aren’t cooking anything.” I never friggin thought of that! Why ARE they wearing aprons? hehe

  2. Xmas tunes on the radio, ( I refuse to put the Christ into Xmas)(unless I’m swearing) man is that fucking annoying.


  3. I’m loving this post. You forgot to add the crappy inflatable snow globes people are putting on their lawns now. What is up with those? I’m not ok with them.

  4. mrsstu – i have no idea. it always bothers me. but not as much as that bell.

    jagg – yeah that gets kind of annoying when they run marathon christmas songs on radio stations. especially that mariah carey one. they can’t seem to get enough of that.

    abarclay – yeah i know. those things are eye sores in the worst way. then they make all kinds of noise cause they have these fans blowing the fake snow around. those lawn ornaments need to go too. as well as those giant christmas bulbs.

  5. Those Salvation Army people should bring some strippers along. I don’t know why they haven’t figured out that sex sells.

  6. Oh man, the salvation army people are definitely the most annoying people on Christmas. Waiting outside of the super market, seeing you with shopping bags and knowing you have money…then the make the move: ring ring ring. Give me your money. Argh. And then I found out they use it to buy dope just around the corner. Can you believe that shit?

    Holy crap, Richard Simmons Christmas tree is epic win


  7. wendy – i know! i’d love to shove some coins in their cans!

    loco – i know right.. its such BS. its almost like begging. and you god damn right that tree is epic!

  8. I hate people who say Happy Holidays, and make celebrating Xmas some political event. Fuckyou people. Bastards.

  9. I’m with sexualtrex. Fuck happy Holidays. It’s Merry Christmas, asshole!

    I generally like all the hoopla with Christmas. So once again, I can’t join in on the ragefest. but I can say that I’ve never once seen someone put a train around a Christmas tree. That’s just weird.

  10. Carol of the Bells is my favorite Christmas song too, it’s a pretty cool tune. Ha ha haaaaaaaaa I love Richard Simmons on top of the tree, I’m saving that one to my own files!

  11. Good question: why do they wear aprons? That’s just stupid. I’m with Abar about those inflatable yard decorations… I just want to punch them all. And nutcrackers are dumb too.

  12. yeah nutcrackers are retarded. those things look like they’d be better suited for halloween decorations.

    and cheetah – hell yeah my richard simmons tree is EPIC as loco says. im going to listen to some carol of the bells right now.

  13. I hate Christmas carols. Really really. They SUCK!

  14. and on the nutcracker note: WHY do people think it’s “christmasy” to gather ’round a bowl of GIANT whole walnuts and just start “crackin’ away” using the nutcracker figure’s balls or whatever???? Like how do stupid ol’ walnuts get associated with Christmas!?!!?

    Does someone know?

    Well…since we’re talking about nuts, maybe Richard Simmons has the answer….asshole.

    PS: I’m so glad you’ve made us something to read; I’ve missed you!!! 🙂

  15. thanks romi. i don’t understand a whole shitload of things associated with christmas. I hope I don’t run out of shit that pisses me off anytime soon so I can just keep going.

  16. My mother has a collection of Nutcrackers…like 500 of them at last count. I hate when she calls me and asks me to come help her get them out for the holidays. I don’t want to put out my decorations…why would I want to put out yours?
    Thanks I feel better now, just needed to get that off my chest.

  17. I actually had a friend who’s mom had like 100’s of santa claus figures and it was a very small house so it was kind of scary when she put them out.

  18. ya these are creepy…she has one that is over 6 feet tall.

  19. I hate having to do the family thing, because there’s a good chunk of my family that I just don’t like. How terrible of me would it be to tell my 14 year old cousin “You have a doll made in your image at Wal-Mart and make more money than me with all your voice-overs for Disney shit. You ain’t getting shit from me, punk!”?

  20. haha yeah

  21. Those Christmas carols make my ears bleed and plus, Christmas time makes the commercialism to be a lot worse, don’t let the Salvos use sex for selling their wares, because none of them will know how to wear that black suit made entirely from belts and shiny PVC, and also they’ll mistake a Dildo for being a funny sort of pickled dill cucumber with a similar brand name on them. Like how they mistake wearing an ankh for “being religious”.

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