Archive for December, 2007

Complicated foods
December 27, 2007

I may be the minority here, but it pisses me off when people think good food has to be complicated.  For instance, my parents have some weird fascination with casseroles.  Basically, they pile a whole shitload of different food into some sort of square pot thing, then they somehow get a crust to form over it and then they serve it.   Basically, it looks like a 5 year old just stuck his hands in their and mashed it all around and then gave it to me to eat.

Me:  Hey Dad what is in this?

Dad:  Its a casserole jay.  There is cheese, green beans, avocados, horseradish, milk, potatoes, and ham. Then I marinade it for 5 hours and then I bake it for 3 more hours and then I put salt, basile, red pepper flakes, green bean almondine, spaghetti sauce, and a pinch of parmesan cheese on top.

My sister:  This is really good!

Me:  …do we have any hamburger patties left?

Want to know what one of my favorite restaurants is?  Applebees.  Does their food lack flavor?  Nahh but I know what the hell i’m eating.  If it looks like steak, its steak.  If it looks like fries, its fries.   Don’t serve me fucking casserole pot pie alamode.

Now lets do a pictorial comparison…

 Figure 1.3  Casserole Alamode with Crazy Color combos

 Figure 1.4 Hamburger

The choice is clear. Clearasil.

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Looking at me when I drive
December 24, 2007

Well i’m home for the holidays LOL!  That means I had to make a hell of a long trek back to my home in pennsylvania..   One of the things I kept noticing is that people keep looking at me when I pull up next to them.  

Now I usually look like the below picture below:

As you can see, there is nothing wrong with that at all.  I’m just sort of driving with the steering wheel kind of high and I have an awesome grin cause I am just amazing.

Now.. every once in a while I turn my head.. and see someone staring at me. Its like a sixth sense. I just know when they are doing it.  Here is an example.

Then I start to wonder how many times people stare at me without my knowing.  Am I that good looking? Do you want me to come over and make you cookies?  knock it off.

The Girls of Food Network
December 7, 2007

I was originally going to write this entry solely about how annoying Rachel Ray is, but then I realized that there are other ladies on food network that annoy me (and others that are kind of hot), so instead i’m going to describe them and then give my “Would I do her?” rating. And here they are… In No real particular order…

1. Rachael Ray – “HI THIS IS RACHEL RAY AND I MAKE 30 MINUTE MEALS!!” This bitch is on every cooking magazine, on every Dunkin Donuts commercial, and on tv 24 hours a day. She sort of has a personality like that annoying 9 year old girl that lives next door to you and always tries to come talk to you when you are mowing the lawn. She uses AWESOME catch phrases like EVOO (Extra Virgin Olive Oil) and she calls her pot the “hot tub”. She is the kind of person that would confuse the shit out of me if I was trying to help her cook something, and I really don’t like to be confused.

WOULD I DO HER? Probably. She has a great ass, but i’d have to either gag her or wear ear plugs.

2. Paula Deen – POWLAA DEAAAN is like the grandmother I never had. She has this southern charm but unfortunately is not the sharpest tool in the shed. It’s ok though cause she LOVES butter and who wouldn’t love butter on everything? She also has these douche bag/Norman Bates impersonating sons that come on the show and stand around and hold food for her. In this one episode, they came out with a plate of butter for her or something. I don’t like her, ya’ll.

WOULD I DO HER? Maybe if I went back in time about 25 years, drank a half a liter of vodka, and was hit in the head with a bat first.

3. Giada DeLaurentiis – Giada is a cute little italiano/greek girl with a smile that covers about 79 percent of her face and a last name that has two i’s in a row. She makes great italian dishes for her friends to mooch off of on her back patio and never fails to say italian words with a thick accent to show off her heritage. Giada is, however, a little sweetie pie that i’d like to have my way with after I eat her Lasagna Parimigiaaaanaaaaa Italiaaaaaaano.

WOULD I DO HER? God damn right I would. I’d just have to make sure I don’t say anything funny so she doesn’t smile.

4. Barefoot Contessa – Ok first off, what kind of name is Barefoot Contessa? To me, it looks like “barefoot contest” and that is no contest I want any part in. I tried watching this show once and this lady just mumbles random things and says boring stuff about food every once in a while. She always makes like 20 things at once and invites her obsese friends over to her house. In one episode her friend came over and Miss Contessa wasn’t even there so the friend just started helping herself to the food. If my friend came over and started doing that, i’d probably punch him in the face and and make him watch barefoot contessa 3 or more times repeatedly.

WOULD I DO HER? No.