Canadian Geese

Guess what I hate? fucking canadian geese.  yeah you didn’t see that one coming did you?  Lets break down my life.

Time line of Goose Hatred

Age 4 – I’m feeding the birds (geese don’t count as birds) some bread.  I’m having a wonderful day until a shitload of geese start attacking me. I think one of the giant ones even tried to sling its face at my bread in an attempt to steal some.  Of course I started crying and my mom comforted me.  That is when it all began…

 

Age 10 – I’m riding my bike in the park with my friend.  Stupid ass geese see me coming and tell themselves it’s a good time to cross the road.  I run over one of their necks.   I hear a loud honk and the next thing I know I’m on the ground bleeding.  Fucking geese made me bleed.

Age 21 – I’m driving my car to college.  I see some geese in the middle of the road.  I honk my horn to get them to move.   What do they do? They stand in the middle of the fucking road and open their mouths and start making stupid noises.  I hold the horn down for 15 seconds and the things finally start to move away.  Stupid geese don’t realize their lives are in my hands.  I’d love to just take a bite out of one of their necks to send a message to the other ones.

and that is why Canadian geese piss me off. The End

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24 Responses

  1. That’s fucking hilarious. The pictures are classic, and for some reason thinking about you having a bike wreck with a geese makes me laugh. I love the word honk though.

  2. Canadian Geese- the original gang members.

  3. Canadian Geese seem to be the birds of the devil. I feel you pain (not really though)

    Loco

  4. Wow, you art is so inspiring. What program do you use? I want to draw just like you!

    I have problems with birds. They just stand there when a car is coming towards them. Like WTF?!

  5. Fortunately, we have ducks and other waterfowl over here and the park they come from is very close to the vicinity of a Chinese restaurant called Happy Gathering and KFC further up the road.

  6. sexual – thanks.. yeah my friend thought it was pretty funny but I didn’t. I just kept thinking “you better not cross”. sure enough they did

    loco – thanks. they must not have taken over your town completely.

    wendy – why thank you sweetie. I use microsoft paint. it is so hardcore. and yeah i know birds are idiots.

    virg – hahaha. chinese restaurants love shit like that. the best location for them is right near an animal shelter.

  7. They are horrible, awful birds.
    You forgot to mention their homicide-inducing honks.
    Those damned geese were all over my university campus. They took over one whole side of the campus……you’d have to avoid eye contact and seriously veer arrrrroooouuuuuund them, so as to not get attacked.
    They’re crazy fuckers and they shit all over the place. I think an unfulfilled non-sexual fantasy of mine would be to kick a Canadian goose. They have such fat little bodies, it’d be pretty satisfying I think.

  8. talea you have no idea how much I hate them. They aren’t bad when they arent bothering me but shit if they get into a 3 foot radius, I just want to grab their necks. yeah and they also shit everywhere. GOD I HATE THEM.

  9. i dont think ive ever seen a canadian goose.

    see, i live in america, we don’t like immigrants.

  10. i don’t know if you are being sarcastic or not… but Canadian geese are all over America.

  11. Your illustrating skills are starting to rival mine. I am not sure how I feel about that yet…

  12. haha im pretty sure a third grader could do better and i’m not even joking.

  13. i’m soo sorry you had to live through such trauma. it’s like living in “the birds” 3x, but worse.

    you poor poor thing.

    is therapy helping?

  14. therapy is not working. all I see when I close my eyes at night are goose faces with their mouths open. YOU MUST HELP ME.

  15. As a Canadian I find it hard seeing my country ripped like that.

    Don’t hate the country, hate the goose.

    My sister has the same feelings towards seagulls.

  16. Seagulls should be culled en mass. I HATE those birds. And their loudness and their endless appetite for tin.
    But I still hate Canadian geese. Mostly because I’m afraid of the pain they’ll inflict on me if I look at them the wrong way.

  17. I am Canadian as well, and Talea, I don’t know, I kind of like their big fat bodies…okay, they ARE really noisy and annoying, but there is always the chance of meeting that shy, quiet Canadian Goose, who just wants you to cradle him and scratch his fat belly…sigh…Canadian Geese.. 🙂

  18. romi – hahhahaa! that is the funniest comment you have ever written! HONK

    talea – yeah seagulls piss me off too. about as much as Canadian Geese if not more. When a canadian goose chases you, you better get the fuck out of there. YOU HEAR ME? GET THE FUCK OUT

    cuz – i dont hate the country. i love hockey. i’d play it all day if i could. mont tremblant was also nice. French girls are so hot. especially this one girl who tried to ask me a question and was like “monsieur? monsiur?” and i had to tell her i don’t know french.

  19. This is the greatest post ever. I LOVE THE PICTURES, especially the one of you breaking that death-goose’s neck. It was probably an emo goose, wanting to go out big. “Fucking geese made me bleed” – I wish that was my yearbook quote.

  20. In Minnesota we have TONS of those motherfuckers!!…I HATE them…I just want to kick their tiny little heads off of their long necks….

  21. Dude you seriously got issues…

  22. OMG that is hilarious! Love it! I hate those things, they’re everywhere here in MI…some are sitting on the lawn at my work as I type.

  23. Okay, I seriously almost pissed my pants.
    I’m so glad I found you. There’s this space in the deep recesses of my heart that was void for so long. -sigh-

  24. I hate those boo-boo birds as well! I am glad I found your blog too!

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