Archive for November, 2007

Gilmore Girls
November 21, 2007

 My Review of Gilmore Girls.  By Jay, Age 23.

Gilmore girls is a very interesting show!!! It revolves around this child prodigy named Rory who has a larger than normal forehead .  Rory has a really HOT mom who I will call Mrs. Gilmore.  Well these two so-called Gilmore Girls live in this small town in New England and they pretty much shoot the shit all day long.  The mom works in a hotel thing and she makes cakes and stuff.. and then theres Rory (what kind of stupid ass fucking name is that) who goes to school and stuff and romances boys.  Rory has this korean friend who looks like her name should be “Keiko”.  Keiko always rides a fucking bike everywhere.  It’s like her mom doesn’t give a shit about her cause shes always riding around town with a big ass grin on her face late at night.  Keiko also wears these trademark glasses in every episode.  What a tool.

FIGURE 1: MMMMMMMMMM SEXXXXY!

So anyway, Rory is always talking about this guy named dean.  I never actually saw dean before but I bet he looks like a metrosexual.  I imagine dean has long hair that gets into his eyes and he constantly has to throw his head back or wipe his hair from his face.    But yeah Rory doesn’t really shut up about this Dean guy.  She should just get it over with and suck him off when Mrs Gilmore goes to the restaurant.  Which reminds me..

There’s this restaurant.  In the restaurant there is this homeless looking guy working there that wears a flannel shirt and he has a backwards baseball cap.  His name is something short and cool like “Ron”.  Everytime Ron appears in the show he is wearing the flannel shirt and the backwards baseball cap so i’m assuming he really doesn’t have a lot of money. He also doesn’t shave.   So apparently Mrs Gilmore is turned on by that, cause she’s always coming into that restaurant while this “LALA” song is playing in the background.   It is here that they usually talk about coffee, orange juice, flannel shirts, windows,  or sunlight at a real fast rate of speed.

So back to the hotel restuarant thing.  There is this fat lady that looks like she should be named Sally.. Sally randomly jumps out of kitchen cabinets or something and is usually wearing pig tails.  She is like the chef I guess cause she is always wearing white and carries food which she probably samples a lot with her fingers.  She usually has this big smile on her face and she sort of says a couple sentences and leaves usually in a hurry.   I don’t really know why she is there actually.

Did I leave anyone out?  What a great show!

Canadian Geese
November 14, 2007

Guess what I hate? fucking canadian geese.  yeah you didn’t see that one coming did you?  Lets break down my life.

Time line of Goose Hatred

Age 4 – I’m feeding the birds (geese don’t count as birds) some bread.  I’m having a wonderful day until a shitload of geese start attacking me. I think one of the giant ones even tried to sling its face at my bread in an attempt to steal some.  Of course I started crying and my mom comforted me.  That is when it all began…

 

Age 10 – I’m riding my bike in the park with my friend.  Stupid ass geese see me coming and tell themselves it’s a good time to cross the road.  I run over one of their necks.   I hear a loud honk and the next thing I know I’m on the ground bleeding.  Fucking geese made me bleed.

Age 21 – I’m driving my car to college.  I see some geese in the middle of the road.  I honk my horn to get them to move.   What do they do? They stand in the middle of the fucking road and open their mouths and start making stupid noises.  I hold the horn down for 15 seconds and the things finally start to move away.  Stupid geese don’t realize their lives are in my hands.  I’d love to just take a bite out of one of their necks to send a message to the other ones.

and that is why Canadian geese piss me off. The End

Stupid Phrases and Words
November 9, 2007

 I come across a whole shitload of words and key phrases that piss me off.  I’ve spent a good half hour of my work time today compiling this list.  I think this is enough for now, but there are definitely more.  If I can think of them, I’ll make a sequel entry.  OK enough with this BS introduction shit, just start reading already.

from a ___ standpoint –  Yeah this makes sense. But shit you can’t just plug in any word you want in here. People throw in the first thing that comes into their minds.  “From a hamburgers standpoint, that seems like a lot of ketchup”.  WTF did you just say?  How did you even get hired. Hamburgers don’t have a fucking stand point. Their standpoint is in my mouth.

guesstimate – This one is really fucking cute.  I hear it all the time. They think they are clever cause its a word combo. OMG let me pat you on the head cutie pie.  If you ever use this word around me again, I will guesstimate how long it will take me to shove my foot up your ass.

Without further delay – Oh thank you for delaying me further by saying this.  Is it necessary?  Lets just say you never said this stupid phrase and just started the puppet show.  Would I even notice?  I hate you.

willy nilly -This just sounds stupid.  It’s almost like you are saying some guy’s name but changed it at the last second to be funny.  I left work all willy nilly cause I might have had more to do.  If you say this phrase, you will have no friends and you will be all willy nilly about whether or not you should go play in traffic.

lends itself well to – Last I heard when you lend something to someone, they borrow it.  If you are saying the software lends itself well to documentation, I will assume you mean the documentation has sex with with the software and then pays for it afterward.   From an asshole standpoint, I guesstimate that I lend myself well to uppercutting you in the jaw.

keep your eyes peeled – OK KIDS! We are on a safari adventure now so keep your eyes peeled for the elephants! “OK DAD! WE WILL!”  You dumb ass kids don’t realize that eyes can’t be peeled. They aren’t fucking vegetables.  Here I will show you how to peel a carrot and you can do the same to  your eyes. We will see who the smart one is then. Damn kids.

things of that nature –  I had a woodshop teacher that kept saying this shit over and over.  “There are tools over there and things of that nature”  “You need a hallpass to go to the bathroom and things of that nature”  “That is a nice piece of hard oak and things of that nature”.  Knock it off and carve me a 2 x 4 to slam against your face.

who woulda thunk it? – This is a sentence idiots like to use.  I would actually recommend using this because it will be easier for me to judge your intelligence.  Who woulda  thunk it??

decadent – I hear this shit everytime I see a commercial for a brownie sundae or something.  What the fuck does it even mean?  Is it a decadent cake?  Am I a decadent young man?  Is this a decadent commercial.  Go fuck yourself and let me eat the decadent brownie sundae you piece of shit.

 There will be more words. I promise…