A Christmas Story

Every fucking Christmas, without fail, this little bitch named “Ralphie” comes into my house via my television set. Is it my intention? NO. The little fuckface is on every channel because it’s “A Christmas Story” marathon!!! What stupid son of a bitch came up with that great idea?

If you haven’t seen this movie, you are lucky. I do, however, think the movie is worth explaining for the pure fuck of it. Anyway, from what I can remember, its about this little boy named Ralphie. Ralphie wants a BB gun for Christmas and because of this, he has to deal with people taunting him with such memorable quotes as “you’ll shoot your eye out, kid”. That’s the whole god damn movie. It’s basically just a whole bunch of crying and whining with Christmas music playing in the background.

Now, If I ever came within 5 feet of Ralphie, not only would I shoot his eye out; I’d set him on fire, and let a pack of wolves rip his face off. His little brother (who clearly has Downs syndrome) could also use a quick uppercut to the jaw. It’s movies like this this cause me to hesitate when turning on the TV from December 1st through New Years.

Here are the best parts of the movie:

#1: Some dumbass kid sticks his tongue to a frozen pole. Deserved it. Too bad it couldn’t be amputated.

#2: Ralphie shoots himself in the face with a bb gun. Had it coming to him. The stupid shit has hearing problems I guess because he was warned about 147 times through out the movie.

“A Christmas Story” is not worth writing anymore about…


27 Responses

  1. I also hate “its a wonderful life”
    fuck that shit.

  2. I LOVE THAT MOVIE! Seriously, it is the only movie that I must absolutely watch every Christmas. The boyfriend hates it, cuz I’m totally that loser who has it on during the entire marathon. I think it is the greatest Christmas tale ever.
    I’m sorry pessimist, I just can’t agree with you this time.
    I take back my earlier kindred spirit comment. For now.

  3. NOO. TALEA? TALEA?! TAAAAAAALEA!!!!!!!!!!!!

  4. I know. I’m sorry. It’s a flaw.
    Oh God, I’m so sorry! I know it’s a terrible movie, but I LOVE it!!!
    Does that make me a terrible person?

  5. no, I still like you but now I do question your taste in movies. 🙂

  6. I have never denied that I have horrible taste in moving pictures. I watch terrible reality TV and I’m currently watching Bridget Jones’ diary while the boyfriend is gone. He won’t let me watch it if he’s in the house.
    I mean…….I’ve got SHIT taste in TV. Sigh. I guess that’s why I read so much. Stay away from the awful influence of those fucktards on the telly.

  7. I’ve never seen that celluloid cockbag.

    But Pessimist, God knows if YOU don’t like it, it is definitely a steaming bag of rat shit.

    Thanks for this review. Seething with anger…just the way ah likes it!

  8. I like this movie. However, I hate the marathons.

  9. If you hate it that much, just watch something else instead. It’s not like there’s only one channel on TV.

  10. wow I didn’t have any idea this movie had so many fans. its horrible!

  11. Hahaha…

    I can see how you hate this flick and the reasons you hate it I agree with…BUT…I always watch this movie and I laugh every time I see it…(mostly because I’m as drunk as 15 Indians)

    The best part is when Santa pushes (kicks in the face) Ralphy down that slide….

  12. It’s either pointless cartoons of a by-gone era or the Telethon Christmas choir. If we are so proud of being the people from Down Under, why do they churn out this pointless rubbish to amuse the masses with? Goodness gracious…

  13. ok ill agree the slide part is pretty funny

  14. and virgilus, i agree 100 percent. They should put out new stuff cause I sure as hell don’t want to watch the same things every single year.

  15. I’m gonna have to go with Talea on this one (don’t hate me) and say that I love this flick…lol…for me it’s as christmas as “eating shortbread cookies until I can only wear pants with elasticized waists”, am I right people?

    And ya, that “you’ll shoot your eye out” song is as annoying as fuck…

    I do love when that little retarded kid with the aviator goggles is in the “santa line” behind ralphy, and he just keeps staring at him with this dopey smile, and ralphy’s all like “fuck off, asshole, I don’t wanna talk to anyone” (okay, maybe that’s not the exact line, but like Steve, I’m usually drunk when I watch these marathons (drunk on friggin’ cookies, that is 😉 )

    PS: when you said his brother has downsyndrome, holy crap, I gasped; you made me gasp! Then I laughed my ass off 😉

  16. I totally had no idea so many people liked this movie. Romi, I am surprised, but i’m glad you liked my down syndrome comment. lol.. Ralphie’s face just annoys me. i can’t help it!

  17. This movie is just a complete monkeys tit.. and is a great reason to shoot the TV.

  18. Since when are “monkey tits” not cool and awesome? Did I miss something here??….

  19. is there even a such thing? i’d be interested. and if its cheap, ill pay to see it.

  20. There MUST be such thing; seriously..don’t monkeys have giant-knockers? or am I thinking of “gorillas”? Friggin’ nature and all its wonder…(please clear this up Paul)

  21. You’re right, this movie is always on Christmas season. Its so annoying. Why don’t they show other cool Christmas movies? Like Braveheart, or The Rock..


  22. haha i know. those are holiday classics. i watch them every year

  23. I also think this movie is pretty fly (sorry, please don’t de-blogroll me) because of the whole “leg lamp” thing. that shit is fucking hilarious!!

  24. NOOOOO!

  25. oh, don’t worry, i can say it. i’m cute and have nice tits!

  26. if your ass is also nice, you can say whatever the hell you want…

  27. Ah! I totally forgot about the leg lamp! I LOVE the leg lamp! I love how the dad truly adored it. Awesome.

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