OK. I know you are thinking that “thatpessimist” guy is such an asshole for writing an entry about sneezing, but let me explain myself here. I don’t hate ALL sneezing. There are two types of sneezes though, that really piss me off. They are the “vocalized” sneeze and the “hidden” sneeze. Let me explain.

First the vocalized sneeze. I’m sure you all have heard it. Basically it’s a sneeze, but at the same time you use your vocal chords. Why would you use your vocal chords to sneeze? That is a good fucking question, but some people do. It sounds similar to “AH HEWWWWWWWWW!” but the “HEWWW” part is all voice. What the fuck does that do? Is this person trying to sound like a train or something? Knock it off so I can get my work done. Jesus Christ. And if they expect me to yell “God bless you” as loud as they just sneezed, they are mistaken. I only say god bless you if the sneezer is within a 3 ft radius, or maybe if its a good looking girl. thats IT.

Secondly.. The “hidden” sneeze. I don’t even know why it bothers me but it does. But anyway this is a sneeze cover-up gone wrong. Basically the sound is very very high pitched and it’s hard to put in words. If you could imagine a mouse hiccuping, that is what it sounds like. Women usually do this as an attempt to be polite.

I would like to nominate abarclay.. if she knows what im talking about.. to record a covered-up sneeze. I will totally add it to this post.

To sum it up, I have no problem if someone sneezes. It’s a reflex action. Unless #1 you sound like a freight train WHOO WHOOO! and #2 if you act like the sneeze is going to give away your position to the enemy.


24 Responses

  1. My dad is definitely a “class-1” sneezer. I can hear him sneeze from anywhere in the house.

    Oh, but I do prefer it when people cover up their sneezes. If they don’t they’d better get ready for me to judge them and mock their sneezes from behind their backs.

  2. awww! i have both of these sneezers in my office.

    God, kill me now.

  3. Anyone that sneezes loudly in public should be summarily whacked in the head with a baseball bat..

  4. joebec, it seems we have a lot in common as far as our offices go.. i like to get to work real early so I dont have to listen to it for as long.

    paul – thank you… summarily.

  5. What about the sneeze/fart combo? What’s your position on that?

  6. If it happens, it happens. what are you gonna do? slap the bitch?

  7. Ha! I laughed during your post because I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT. I have students in my class who, for whatever godawful reason, are queens of the “vocalized” sneeze. It makes me sick. The “hidden sneeze” is 1000% unacceptable in any guy I might date. Sometimes I toss some pepper into the air on like a second date, just to see how he might sneeze. If he’s a vocalizer OR a hidden sneezer, he’s out.

    And, I will think about making a recording of the vocalized sneeze. Obviously you nominated me due to my impressive acting skills, right?? I don’t know why I’m not on TV or in movies yet.

  8. abarclaysexygirlbaby- Yes! i’m happy you agree with me. i did nominate you because you are the master of recording yourself and I think you could pull off a good hidden sneeze. Do you accept? please say yes.

    and wow I didnt even think about a guy doing a hidden sneeze. that is just taboo in my opinion and deserves some sort of physical punishment to the head.

  9. I hold my sneezes in…I don’t make a sound though….

    I do it because I don’t want spit every where…

    But I hate people the sneeze super loud or like 15 times at once!…Those motherfuckers…

  10. It seems those people with the loud sneezes are macho douchebags who are really homosexual and the ones with mouse hiccup sneezes are too wussy for such a world like today.

    For me, on top of all sneezes are the ones from the people who don’t even cover their mouths. Like sheesh, if you can’t use your mouth, use your arm or something. Like we need anymore idiots in this world.

  11. OH yeah! that’s a good one, I always cover my sneezes but I see a lot of people just let it fly all over the place. that is some disgusting shit! good point

  12. Sneezing when one doesn’t cover their face and shit sprays everywhere, is simply awful. So awful in fact, it should be punishable by death.

  13. the sneeze, what the fuck was god thinking?
    every one is possible death, medically speaking if you supress a sneeze you can actually rupture an eardrum causing pain bleeding and hearing loss or worse one can rupture a blood vessel in their head or neck resulting in death. on the flip of the coin, if you over emphasize your sneeze or have a violent sneeze the sharp head and neck movements accompanying a violent sneeze may cause the inner and outer walls of a blood vessel to tear loose from one another, an event known as a “dissecting aneurysm.” in many cases resulting in death or effects much like stroke.

    basically what i am getting at here is; take comfort in the fact that all those who continue to piss you off through sneezing are actually negotiating themselves closer to death and ergo removing the annoyance.

  14. hahah. They deserve it!

  15. WTF with “hidden sneezes”? I spent my whole life growing up around girls who had perfected the hidden sneeze, whilst judging my ass, just because I like to let it out and get my spray on (that comment would’ve sounded really bad if I was a dude…)

  16. Man, I didn’t notice that picture when I first read this. Did you do that in Paint? That’s classic!

    Oh, and you rolled the wrong address for me kid…

  17. i have great respect for girls who spray it all over the place. It shows they don’t care about what others think of them. and i lol’d at your last sentence 🙂

  18. and bronson.. yeah i do all my sick art using ms paint. i like to get my point across doing the least amount of work as possible. fixed your link btw.

  19. I sneeze like a goddamned retarded kitten. But that’s just naturally the way I sneeze. I may have developed it in response to my mothers BAZOOKA of a sneeze. Holy shit.

  20. I just broke up with a guy that was a hidden sneezer – not only that, but he plugged his frickin’ nose every time. What the fuck? Nothing like a grown man attempting to blow his brains out of his ears. I had to break up with him or I would have beaten him with a baseball bat the next time he sneezed.

  21. wtf guys should NOT be doing hidden sneezes. that is not manly. you did the right thing to break up with him.

  22. “Hidden sneezers” are much better, because they don’t create a huge amount of tremendously irritating noise.
    The people who feel required to scream as they are sneezing deserve severe beatings.
    The hidden sneezers should continue to be as quite as possible, so as not to annoy me.

  23. It makes me mad because the hidden sneeze does not accomplish anything. It is still detectable though. Its sort of like when you are building a deck.. and you make noise… to the build the deck. nevermind.


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