Small Soda Cans

So I was at the grocery store the other day and I got reminded of another one of the things that annoys the shit out of me:  Small Ass Soda Cans.  I’m 100 percent positive these things were invented purely so women could say how cute they were and then buy them.. and yes i’ll admit they are cute.  they are really, really fucking cute.  but their purpose is not to be petted or whatever women do to cute things.

So then I started thinking (because i’m not pessimistic all the time) about ways these things could possibly be useful.  Here is what I came up with:

Maybe if my meal consisted of one grain of salt, I could use one or two cans to wash it down. I’m pretty sure, though, if I were to have a decent size meal, I would go through about 2-3 cases of these things and still be thirsty.  I’m not fucking exaggerating.

If I found an infant whose mother was away and it needed to be breastfed, I think I would buy it a few of these cans. They love soda and this is the perfect size.

I then thought about the scenario that could occur if I was dying of thirst in a desert.. but then I realized that I would lose more moisture trying to open these cans than I would receive from the cans themselves.  What I am trying to say is that these cans would eventually be the cause of my death.

In conclusion, If anyone gave me one of these, I would consider it a personal insult to my manhood.  I’d still drink it though cause i like soda a lot.

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22 Responses

  1. I’m pretty sure they’re there so fat people can have the satisfaction of drinking a can of soda, without the guilt of being a lard ass. Water doesn’t have any flavor, drinking it is barbaric.

  2. well spoken… but water is straight up manly to drink. i could not give that up.

  3. I think that normal cans of pop (soda) are too small….

    Those things aren’t good for anything…EXCEPT throwing at people if rocks aren’t availible….

  4. You are entirely correct. They are made solely for women to go nuts over. Every time I see them, I squeal in a high-pitched voice I don’t recognize about how cuuuuute they are. I want to take them home and love them and adore them.
    Another reason you know they’re for women is that we’re constantly thinking we’re fat. If we drink these little baby ones, we get pop, but we don’t get as fat as we would if we drank the less-cute option of ‘normal’ cans.
    Frankly, I love them.

  5. but aren’t you still thirsty afterward? come onnn

  6. I’m a female. I’m used to denying myself the pleasures of food and drink.

  7. i feed the little cans to my kids, and midgets around the neighborhood.

    oops, did i say midgets? i meant little people. my bad.

  8. ok ok.. for a small person/midget/infant/toddler, they are ok.. otherwise ABSOLUTELY NOT

  9. Man, I hate these cans. And they really aren’t that much cheaper either. I’ll punch these cans in the face.

  10. wow, that a whole perspective i never even thought of.

    i thought those stupid cans were produced specifically for lazy alcoholics who like fresh/cold soda to “add flavor” to the massive amount of liquor they drink.

    or at least that how i justfied their existance.

    (on a related note, WTF on 100 calorie packs? thanks nabisco but i can portion control for myself at 1/4 of the price, fuckers)

  11. is that why they make them? if that really, truly is the reason, then maybe I wouldn’t hate them so much.

  12. Love your blog. I added you to the blogroll. Would appreciate if you’d do the same.

  13. well thanks but I don’t even know your url.. and its not sexualtrex.wordpress.com

  14. Sorry about that. It’s slamdizzle.wordpress.com

  15. Then there’s the Asian sodas; they have pretty slim and short cans for their drinks, what with the whole Asian person stereotyped as skinny without the use of the glaring, anger raising, meal-spoiling word that is Diet. But then for the rest of us, it makes poverty look a lot more sassy then it should be.

  16. Midget soda-cans should be treated just like midget-humans: off in a corner street-performing, standing-in for child TV stars when they on break, or having their asses locked up in a circus-cage.

    Okay then.

  17. holy shit romi. you are horrible. i love it though.

  18. Maybe if my meal consisted of one grain of salt, I could use one or two cans to wash it down.

    I then thought about the scenario that could occur if I was dying of thirst in a desert.. but then I realized that I would lose more moisture trying to open these cans than I would receive from the cans themselves. What I am trying to say is that these cans would eventually be the cause of my death.

    These lines made me lose it. Your blog is so funny. I see these little coca-cola cans at the grocery store, and I think they’re so funny. I never considered how they could be the death of me if I was on a deserted island.

  19. How can a meal consist of 1 grain of slat?

  20. Easy. You eat one grain of salt.

  21. LOL pessimist, I love your “matter of fact” response 😉

  22. 🙂

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