Well that mutant-looking humanoid is known as an Anime cartoon. Apparently Anime is a big problem in Japan and has been growing here in the United States. “But Jay, I don’t get it. Why do people keep watching that?”

Let me do my best to try and explain. It appears there is a genetic mutation that occurs in certain Asians and Americans that causes females to think the above image is “cute” and males to think that the above image is “hot”. This mutation is part of a disease. Spreading through TV, comic books, Dungeons and Dragons, and World of Warcraft. If affected, you will do nothing but stare at these moving images, talk about them… basically devote your life to them. This is becoming a serious epidemic with death tolls comparable to drunk drivers and cigarettes combined.

Do not be alarmed, though. I have constructed a small FAQ to ensure you do not catch this horrible, horrible disease.


Q: I’m worried! How can I identify an anime cartoon?

A: Usually Anime characters have eyes much larger than normal. Refer to the above image and it becomes apparent that the individual’s eyes are about as wide as her hands. The larger the eyes, the more Japanese the cartoon. The more Japanese the cartoon, the more likely you will succumb to the disease.

You can also look for more obscure features. For example, the image above has what resembles ribbon, streaming from her ears. Given enough time, these cartoons will stare into your soul and take control of your brain. They will force you to do things you never wanted to do before. You may even start to dress like them or wear shirts with Japanese characters.

Q: I’m worried my friend likes Anime. What do I do?

A: I don’t know how to tell you this, but you must stab your friend repeatedly in the heart with a wooden stake. This is the only way to ensure your friend will not spread the disease. I know this will be difficult to do, but its the only way to save America.. and the world. Also, don’t hide in your room. He or she will find you there.

Q: Is everything from Japan evil?

A: No.. and yes. The Japanese have invented some of the world’s finest automobiles, but they have also invented the Sony Playstation 3 which originally retailed for 599 US dollars.
I urge you to use this guide to better yourselves and your country. Educate your family. Educate your friends. Stop Anime before it spreads.


4 Responses

  1. Anime puts me into epileptic shock. Too many flashing lights, yelling, and jumping around.

  2. I have to agree with you there. the voices are also damn annoying. A HA!

  3. my son started singing the pokemon theme song the other day and so i thought i was gonna have to rip his voice box out. But i gave him the “look” and he promptly shut up.

  4. haha that is a combo of loud kids/anime!. It doesn’t get much worse

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