Archive for October, 2007

Teenage Trick or Treaters
October 31, 2007

I’m going to make this short because I want to enjoy my halloween.. but I just want to say that teenage trick or treaters piss me off.

You are TOO old. I like candy too. but 15 and above is just too old to be trick or treating… unless, of course, you are a cute girl dressed as a sexy devil. In that case, you can come trick or treating 365 days a year. To all others: I want to take your candy bag and belt you in the face with it.



Giant Sunglasses
October 29, 2007

Seriously, ladies… WTF.

It seems everytime I go anywhere where teenage girls gather(giggity giggity!) I see at least 80% of them wearing giant sunglasses.   Please refer to the above picture.  I’ve been struggling to understand why they do this because I know their eyes are really not that big.

I have to admit it actually pisses me off.  I’ll see them drive by at 88 mph with their chihuahua’s face hanging out the window, and their Gucci bag all over the dashboard, and cell phone all pressed against their face more than it has to be while applying lipstick.. and then BAM they turn around  and I see the giant shades.  That’s when I sort of want to do a James Bond/Die Hard jump from my car to theirs and punch through their windshield.  Those shiny rhinestones on the side have also gotta go cause seriously. wtf.  this isn’t the Pretty Pretty Princess Pageant.

Every time I see a cute girl wearing giant shades, it kills me a little inside

A Christmas Story
October 26, 2007

Every fucking Christmas, without fail, this little bitch named “Ralphie” comes into my house via my television set. Is it my intention? NO. The little fuckface is on every channel because it’s “A Christmas Story” marathon!!! What stupid son of a bitch came up with that great idea?

If you haven’t seen this movie, you are lucky. I do, however, think the movie is worth explaining for the pure fuck of it. Anyway, from what I can remember, its about this little boy named Ralphie. Ralphie wants a BB gun for Christmas and because of this, he has to deal with people taunting him with such memorable quotes as “you’ll shoot your eye out, kid”. That’s the whole god damn movie. It’s basically just a whole bunch of crying and whining with Christmas music playing in the background.

Now, If I ever came within 5 feet of Ralphie, not only would I shoot his eye out; I’d set him on fire, and let a pack of wolves rip his face off. His little brother (who clearly has Downs syndrome) could also use a quick uppercut to the jaw. It’s movies like this this cause me to hesitate when turning on the TV from December 1st through New Years.

Here are the best parts of the movie:

#1: Some dumbass kid sticks his tongue to a frozen pole. Deserved it. Too bad it couldn’t be amputated.

#2: Ralphie shoots himself in the face with a bb gun. Had it coming to him. The stupid shit has hearing problems I guess because he was warned about 147 times through out the movie.

“A Christmas Story” is not worth writing anymore about…