So i’m a software engineer for a living.. I obviously love technology but phones these days are getting a little out of control. I’ve always been the kind of guy who just gets the cheapest phone available. I really only care that I can talk on it and text message. If it has an added bonus like a camera phone, thats great.. But seriously.. the iphone? What the fuck. Do you really need to watch movies on your phone? No the answer is no. you don’t.

You got by without it your whole life, why do you all of a sudden need this luxury. Oh and the screen tilts sideways when you tilt the phone!! thats fucking amazing!. Listen shit face, i don’t care. If you had a laptop, you would have a screen 3x the size of that and for probably around the same price.

Common Arguments for the Iphone

1. “BUT JAY! I CAN PUT IT IN MY POCKET LOL!!” – so the fuck what? does that justify the cost? no. no it doesn’t. Bitch.

2. “LOL THERES APPS I CAN DOWNLOAD” – you stupid asshole. Get a laptop and you can have all the apps you want. and a whole ton of them are free.

3. IT LOOKS COOL – who the fuck cares??? I don’t think girls are gonna come up to suck your dick because they see you with an iphone. If that were true, i’d have about 10 iphones.

And that concludes my post about the shitty and useless iphone.

Thats right bitches. I’m back I was syncing my gmail mail in outlook and i saw all this shit from wordpress.. that gave me a slight erection and i gained the strength to start writing again.

Ok. So over the past few years ive graduated from college, i’ve gotten a corporate job as a software developer for the military, and i’ve moved to the jersey shore… and i moved again after i got here… but why? let me tell you why.

LOUD ASS LESBIAN LADY LIVING UPSTAIRS.

Thats right bitches. I still know how to use html to post pics on this shit. But anyway. The above picture is the best look a like picture I can find of this lesbian upstairs. She got home from her job as a nurse (a loud ass lesbian nurse) around 11 pm and it was all down hill from there. At about 11:30 her african boyfriend would come over. This was like clockwork. and then all i heard were stomping around and gorilla like noises eminating from above my bedroom until 3 am usually.

But thats not all.

She would have these kids come over. I dont know where they came from but apparently their favorite past time was hammering the floor. cause those fucking kids would hammer the floor for hours and hours. sometimes they would play tag with sledge hammers it seemed as my walls would shake.

This persisted for months before I was like “YO LET ME GET OUT OF HERE LOL” and the manager of my apartment complex agreed and was like “I hate that lady too she always complains about her heat” and i was like “you should just cut it off”.. A long pause followed this statement. Note: When I am angry I tend to write run-on sentences.

And that concludes my entry on loud ass lesbian neighbors and their interracial boyfriends.. and their annoying ass grandkids, great grandkids or adopted grandkids that come over and smash their heads into the floor.

I usually don’t sway from my negative writings about life, but this is an exception.  This was sent to everyone at my campus:

This morning at approximately 8:50am, a student reported she was inappropriately touched by another female in the north stairwell located in the Hugh Carey Building. The unidentified female appeared to be 18 to 21 years-old with wavy blonde hair; wearing a dark-colored waist-length coat, and black-rimmed glasses. This incident remains under investigation and the Monroe County Sherriff’s Office is advised.

is that not the hottest police report ever??

I have no idea why, but I’m always getting myself into awkward moments when i’m at college. Here are my favorites…

1. Waiting for class to start – if i’m early to class, I sometimes like to go to these tables with these comfortable chairs and wait a little bit. I usually try to pick a table where no one is, but apparently no one else does that. The awkward thing about these tables is that the chairs face eachother (like i’m on a date) so sometimes random people sit directly across from me. I usually try to think of something to say if its a female, but usually can’t think of anything great.

2. Printing stuff from the computer lab – We have a quota of how many pages we are allowed to print so we usually go up to the lab attendant and say “can you release the print job for YOUR USER NAME HERE” and they do it. Anyway, one time I was in a rush and just went up to her and told her my user name. she said what? and I said it again. She told me she didn’t understand me. I then realized I just went up to her and told her a bunch of random numbers and letters.

3. Leaving class early – One time I was in a class with a friend and I told him I was going to leave as soon as the professor turned his back. So I did, but I ended up kicking a chair as I walked out and everyone looked up at me as I clumsily left the classroom.

Since I love making lists, i’m going to list everything I hate about my college gym.

1. Douche bags – Yes, every college has their share of douchebags.. and where do douchebags go when they aren’t drinking beer and shouting “Spring Break!!!”? THE GYM. They are all over. There are these two guys that we call none other than “the douchebags” and they pretty much live at the gym. The weird thing is that they never look any stronger and its been like 3 years. Get a new routine, gentlemen.

2. Sluts – Alright, i’m all for girls wearing skimpy clothes. Its HOT. But shit, if you are going to have your ass hanging out of your shorts, put a fucking towel on the seat that you sit. I don’t want to be sitting in your skanky ass juices when i’m trying to bulk up. On a second note, do more bending over on the mats. I love that.

3. Loud ass music – I know the music at the gym is supposed to get everyone pumped and all that. But seriously, our music is so fucking loud, I can’t even talk to the person next to me. Its not like Jock Jam shit either, its like hardcore death metal. Not everyone wants to hear screaming the entire time they are trying to work out. I’m running out of aspirin.

4. Pedophile guys – If you are an adult male that wants to work out at a college gym, don’t look like a pedophile. We have this one guy we call “Chimo”. That is short for “child molester”. This guy wears purple shorts and a tie dye shirt. Basically, his work out consists of sitting on a bench, chewing gum, and staring at everyone. That is some creepy shit buddy. Either work out or get out. I don’t want to find my ass up on youtube cause you were secretly recording it with your cell phone.

5. One upping people – It happens all the time. I’m doing 2 plates.. the guy next to me does 3 plates. I’m doing 3 plates, the guy next to me does 3 and a little more. Dude seriously. I hate you.

6. Locker room cocks out – I realize its a locker room and all but shit. theres no reason to walk around the locker room for a half hour with your cock out. I realize its your chance to show it off to other dudes and all, but knock it off and put that thing back in its cage. No one wants to see that… besides chimo and maybe Romi.

7. “How many sets you got left?” – People ask that question to show they are eager to get on the machine you are using. I usually make up a number and see what they do. Last time I told him I was going to do 2, see how I feel, and do another 7. That pisses them off.. The thing is that most of the time, the average person does not spend more than 10 minutes doing a single exercise.. so if you can wait on average 5 minutes, you should not need to ask that.

Ahhhh that felt good!

I have started going to the gym pretty consistently in hopes of building more muscle so random girls start asking me to have sex with them.  I tend to concentrate on dumbbell exercises cause they are easy and pretty self explanatory.  So anyway, my friend asked me if I wanted to do some cardio stuff like exercise bikes and treadmills.  After he pleads for like 10 minutes like a homosexual, I give in.

I start to look around.. I see a whole shitload of girls.  It’s almost an ocean of girls riding bikes and running on treadmills..  But wait WTF?  There are other things. They aren’t treadmills or exercise bikes.. I don’t know what they are.  They look like this:

I think I asked my friend what it was and he said it was a parabolical or something like that.  I don’t know and I don’t care because that is a math term and it is not a piece of exercise equipment.  The circular motion of the girls legs sort of angered me in a way I can’t describe.   I sort of wanted to have angry sex with her.

Now the escalator machine actually gets your legs stronger but no one uses it. Why? because climbing an infinite staircase to exhaustion is not fun.  Here is a girl with blue hair on one of them.

Last but not least I saw what appeared to be a group of students praying on the mats.  I got closer to them and saw they werent praying at all, but instead they had wheels in front of them and they were going back and forth with these wheels.  I had to ask myself “why?”

I’m pretty sure I could find something better the girl in the top picture could be doing..

As for the girl in the bottom picture, WTF is that?

I may be the minority here, but it pisses me off when people think good food has to be complicated.  For instance, my parents have some weird fascination with casseroles.  Basically, they pile a whole shitload of different food into some sort of square pot thing, then they somehow get a crust to form over it and then they serve it.   Basically, it looks like a 5 year old just stuck his hands in their and mashed it all around and then gave it to me to eat.

Me:  Hey Dad what is in this?

Dad:  Its a casserole jay.  There is cheese, green beans, avocados, horseradish, milk, potatoes, and ham. Then I marinade it for 5 hours and then I bake it for 3 more hours and then I put salt, basile, red pepper flakes, green bean almondine, spaghetti sauce, and a pinch of parmesan cheese on top.

My sister:  This is really good!

Me:  …do we have any hamburger patties left?

Want to know what one of my favorite restaurants is?  Applebees.  Does their food lack flavor?  Nahh but I know what the hell i’m eating.  If it looks like steak, its steak.  If it looks like fries, its fries.   Don’t serve me fucking casserole pot pie alamode.

Now lets do a pictorial comparison…

 Figure 1.3  Casserole Alamode with Crazy Color combos

 Figure 1.4 Hamburger

The choice is clear. Clearasil.

Well i’m home for the holidays LOL!  That means I had to make a hell of a long trek back to my home in pennsylvania..   One of the things I kept noticing is that people keep looking at me when I pull up next to them.  

Now I usually look like the below picture below:

As you can see, there is nothing wrong with that at all.  I’m just sort of driving with the steering wheel kind of high and I have an awesome grin cause I am just amazing.

Now.. every once in a while I turn my head.. and see someone staring at me. Its like a sixth sense. I just know when they are doing it.  Here is an example.

Then I start to wonder how many times people stare at me without my knowing.  Am I that good looking? Do you want me to come over and make you cookies?  knock it off.

I was originally going to write this entry solely about how annoying Rachel Ray is, but then I realized that there are other ladies on food network that annoy me (and others that are kind of hot), so instead i’m going to describe them and then give my “Would I do her?” rating. And here they are… In No real particular order…

1. Rachael Ray – “HI THIS IS RACHEL RAY AND I MAKE 30 MINUTE MEALS!!” This bitch is on every cooking magazine, on every Dunkin Donuts commercial, and on tv 24 hours a day. She sort of has a personality like that annoying 9 year old girl that lives next door to you and always tries to come talk to you when you are mowing the lawn. She uses AWESOME catch phrases like EVOO (Extra Virgin Olive Oil) and she calls her pot the “hot tub”. She is the kind of person that would confuse the shit out of me if I was trying to help her cook something, and I really don’t like to be confused.

WOULD I DO HER? Probably. She has a great ass, but i’d have to either gag her or wear ear plugs.

2. Paula Deen – POWLAA DEAAAN is like the grandmother I never had. She has this southern charm but unfortunately is not the sharpest tool in the shed. It’s ok though cause she LOVES butter and who wouldn’t love butter on everything? She also has these douche bag/Norman Bates impersonating sons that come on the show and stand around and hold food for her. In this one episode, they came out with a plate of butter for her or something. I don’t like her, ya’ll.

WOULD I DO HER? Maybe if I went back in time about 25 years, drank a half a liter of vodka, and was hit in the head with a bat first.

3. Giada DeLaurentiis – Giada is a cute little italiano/greek girl with a smile that covers about 79 percent of her face and a last name that has two i’s in a row. She makes great italian dishes for her friends to mooch off of on her back patio and never fails to say italian words with a thick accent to show off her heritage. Giada is, however, a little sweetie pie that i’d like to have my way with after I eat her Lasagna Parimigiaaaanaaaaa Italiaaaaaaano.

WOULD I DO HER? God damn right I would. I’d just have to make sure I don’t say anything funny so she doesn’t smile.

4. Barefoot Contessa – Ok first off, what kind of name is Barefoot Contessa? To me, it looks like “barefoot contest” and that is no contest I want any part in. I tried watching this show once and this lady just mumbles random things and says boring stuff about food every once in a while. She always makes like 20 things at once and invites her obsese friends over to her house. In one episode her friend came over and Miss Contessa wasn’t even there so the friend just started helping herself to the food. If my friend came over and started doing that, i’d probably punch him in the face and and make him watch barefoot contessa 3 or more times repeatedly.

WOULD I DO HER? No.

I love the holiday season. I love that everyone decorates their homes with lights, gets lots and lots of presents, and builds snowmen with their families as their father adorns himself with a plaid robe and cigar in his mouth… but there is something deep down that pisses me off. Here are the elements of Christmas Gayness that exist each and every year…

1. Trains around Christmas Trees – Here’s a riddle for you. What kind of train goes around in 4 foot circle? Well the answer kids is a Christmas train. For some reason, people like to construct these things and turn them on. How precious. But they get boring pretty soon, they train track always gets broken from people stepping all over it, and it leaves less room for you to put presents. It’s cute and all, but seriously… no.

2. Dumb Ass Christmas Carols – The coolest christmas carol ever is Carol of the Bells. It sounds so bad ass.. but there are other ones I despise. Jingle Bells for example. I know there must be more to this song but people don’t seem to know it. Instead, they like to sing that one god damn verse over and over and over and over and over. Listen, if little Jimmy keeps singing that song i’m going to have to use him as the yule tide log this year. Don’t push your luck. UPDATE: 12 days of christmas is also annoying. Partridge in a pear tree? OK. what kind of mistletoe where you smoking there buddy.

3. Those salvation army people – STOP RINGING YOUR FUCKING BELL. That shit just gets annoying. If you are trying to associate bell ringing with giving out money, it hasn’t worked on me yet. Also, why are you wearing an apron if you aren’t cooking anything.

4. Doing nice things cause its Christmas – Well this is good and bad. Yes it’s good to do nice things… but after Christmas is over, does it mean you can go back to being pure evil? No. That is BS. Either be nice all the time or be mean all the time. Shit. Which one did I choose?

5. Kissing under mistletoe – Nahhh nothing wrong with this one. Unless there is a 14 year old girl with you.. then you have gotten yourself into one heck of a dilemma.